Hi, first off I’m sure you meant well in our call from today, and honestly you haven’t ever been bad with me (except that rude comment you made when I saw you in Milan, but you couldn’t have known), which I really appreciate.

There’s only one issue: people like me never prosper. They never prosper in terms of their learning, their work and I’d dare say their life in general. Ever since I’ve started working, it has been nothing but a copy and paste for me. I can’t remember a single thing (except templates) that I’ve managed to do all by my cognition and intellect. Now, I’m sure that our field is complicated as it is and I’m sure that everybody involved in it also needs to get by with a little conceit (which could be, e.g., Google). It’s just that for me it’s almost ridiculous how badly I need it to function mediocrely.

One thing I really believe is that it’s not impostor syndrome if you’re actually pretending. That’s what keeps looping in my head. I don’t feel like I’m tricking anyone, I am tricking everyone. I perform comprehension. I nod when I should. I write unclean code, clean phrases and clean emails, I speak perfect english in meetings, but all this stuff is frankenstein’d from bits I don’t completely understand. And every time you, or anyone, treats me like I’m capable, part of me lights up, but another part starts to brace for impact. Because sooner or later you’ll realize: I’m not slow because just because I’m stressed, or tired, or shy. I’m slow because, other than that, something else is seriously wrong with the way my brain connects dots. I can’t learn the way you all do. I retain barely enough to appear functional (which I’m sure you realized probably).

And I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I don’t know if I even want to. I find that there’s such a deep humiliation in wanting to do well and constantly being reminded (privately, rigorously always privately) that I can’t. That the understanding part, the part we as humans are supposed to be proud of, is hollow in me.

So when you introduce me to something new (today, for instance) and you assume I’ll get it, or at least that I can, please know that I don’t feel encouraged and never ever will. I feel exposed. You treat me like I’ll do fine, even gently, but I can’t feel it. I just hear the clock ticking on how much longer the trick will last.

I know you know I’m young. I know you know this is my first real job. But what if this isn’t a phase? What if this is the whole thing?