Dear God,

the following is going to be an admission of my own incoherence as I’ll write this. I think that every person who self-proclaims to be a non believer of a higher being, deep down also hopes there might be a bit of truth to it. I’m described by this definition but I also fall into that category of performative faith: whenever something beyond my control happens (generally something bigger than me), I find myself hoping for some kind of divine intervention. And then, when everything settles down again, I’m detached from whatever and whoever regards you. 

I admit I’m not that much of a great person. I am flawed and constantly make mistakes. I may not be able to recognize everything I’m doing wrong, but I’m starting to believe that you are testing me. And I admit I’m mad. So much shit has happened in the past month and I don’t know how to handle all of this.

First the situation between my parents, then my scooter gets stolen (yes I did find it and I’m thankful, but I have to get it repaired and figure out the registration stuff) and then my CAR BREAKS DOWN?? AFTER I CAME BACK FROM MY VACATION?

If you’re there, I know you must be laughing. But it’s real to me. I’m stuck in a room nine hours a day. When I’m done with work, all I want is the freedom to choose what to do. And clearly I don’t have that, because all my vehicles are broken. I know maybe I would’ve stayed home anyway, but now it just feels forced.\ And my damn teeth are hurting too. And I’m terrified.

I’m hereby asking you to please help me out a bit and give me a break.\ I’m overwhelmed, and I really just need a moment of peace.\ That’s all I have for now.