Tonight while going to dinner you asked me how uni was going: didn’t it feel a little strange that you asked, considering I recently never requested any leave from work for exams? Exactly. I hadn’t taken any, and I was already struggling with even the idea of taking Calculus I.
When I told you I wasn’t really a mathematical or logical mind, you said something like “oh, it’s too hard?” (this wasn’t offesnive nor sarcasting) but then, in dialect, “annamo bene!” (which kind of means “we’re off to a great start!”, but sarcastically).
Before I explain why it hurt, I should admit something: by nature, I always bring myself down. If I do something right, I assume it was luck. If I do something wrong, I take it as proof that I’m fundamentally not capable. I know I’m not the best judge of myself and I’m ok with the idea that I’m the worst, but still, in that moment, your reaction made me feel small. I know you meant it as a joke, and maybe it’s just a reflex of who you are as a person (I know you help your son a lot with his studies). But I left that conversation feeling a bit humiliated, especially because you know how much this stuff is related to what I do now. And maybe I just needed something else from you in that moment, not encouragement even, just neutrality. Or a moment of pause. Or anything other than a punchline honestly.. the thing is only I get to make those kinds of judgments about myself. That’s my own form of control. When someone else does it, it doesn’t land the same way. It lands hard.

So yes boss, I know I’m being dramatic. I’m heavy. I’m analyzing something you probably forgot five seconds after it was said. This is who I am.